“Have mercy upon me, O God, according to Your lovingkindness; According to the multitude of Your tender mercies, blot out my transgressions. Wash me thoroughly from my iniquity, and cleanse me from my sin. For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me. Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight— That You may be found just when You speak, and blameless when You judge.” – Psalm 51:1-4
When betrayal hits hard, when the pain of treachery or being stabbed in the back strikes your heart and feels even worse when the one who turned on you is a family member or close friend, the path forward needs to be carefully and wisely traveled. Along with and adding to the list of lessons and helps that I spoke to and encouraged you to consider from Psalm 54 in my devotion, When Betrayal Hits Home, I want to speak to both the betrayed and those who have betrayed today.
To the betrayed:
- Don’t walk the path of grief and recovery alone. It’s easy to withdraw and try to sort through things on your own. Though it’s fine and good to do so for a brief time in isolation, always remember that you’re never truly alone. Jesus is with you by His Spirit and will never leave you or forsake you. This is and needs to be of great comfort to you, even and especially in the midst of questions, doubts, anger, and tears. He hears your cries and prayers. Take them to Him! He helps you and lifts you up in your time of trouble, in the midst of the tempest within.
- It’s good to also be mindful that as God is often pleased to work through means to minister to you, it’s important that you seek the support and wise counsel of others, like that of your pastor and elders, to help bear your burden and assist with biblical navigation. It’s just as important to accept the call, visit, and counsel from them when they come to you as caring shepherds. For as you may be well aware, the lens of pain and grief that you look through in the aftermath is often cloudy and skewed by emotions. Details regarding what is true and right, what decisions should be made, and actions taken need often become more clear as you get help from others you trust to guide you down the path of righteousness and healing.
- Recognizing reconciliation may not be possible with some instances of betrayal, for those where it is, you are called to follow the process Jesus teaches you in Matthew 18:15-17, along with studying and putting other passages that speak to and guide your thoughts, words, and actions towards godly resolution and peace.
Now, as it’s clear that those who are betrayed can recover to varying degrees by the grace and work of God, what about the one who betrayed them, or betrayed others? Is there any hope for them to change? Are they hopeless? It depends on whether they are of God’s people, of the elect, or not. Consider the example of Ahithophel (2 Samuel 16-17), who was a counselor and friend to David and turned on him to help Absalom in his rebellion against David. Ahithophel was a type of Judas, who after he showed himself to be a traitor against David, and hearing that Absalom didn’t take his counsel, went and hung himself. (2 Samuel 17:23) You may remember well that Judas, who walked with Jesus as one of the twelve but betrayed Him with a kiss, both feeling the heavy burden of anger and guilt, never repented, and killed himself. (Matthew 27:3-5) For such wicked men who show themselves to be apart from Christ, the answer is, No. Yet, if they are godly men like David, a man after God’s own heart, who fell into sin and betrayed Bathsheba and Uriah, or like Peter who walked with Christ, loved Him, but denied Him three times, then the answer is, Yes. For God extended much grace to both men after their heinous sins, brought them to their knees, forgave them, and used them greatly for His kingdom building purposes.
To those who have betrayed:
As much as Psalms 52, 54, and 55 are very helpful in providing lessons and comfort through David that ultimately point you to Christ, His suffering in being betrayed, and the salve of the Gospel to the betrayed, David’s prayer and plea to God in Psalm 51 gives you good lessons as well as he was a broken man who betrayed others. Does this sin hit home for you?
What do you need to take from David’s words and example? Here are 5 steps:
- See your sin- As David opens Psalm 51 with a plea for divine mercy, it’s clear that God had given him sight as He cut David to the heart, using the confrontation of Nathan as an instrument to convict David of the truth. What was David’s quick response? “I have sinned against the Lord.” (2 Samuel 12:13) Here in Psalm 51:3, he said, “For I acknowledge my transgressions, and my sin is always before me.” Like David, if you belong to Christ, another lesson for you here is that your conscience won’t give you rest while you continue in unrepentant sin. With that in mind, never forget that gossip, slander, and abandonment are all examples of treachery that are right in step with adultery and other forms of treason in relationships.
- What did Peter do after he denied Christ and Jesus looked at him? “Then Peter remembered the word of the Lord, how He had said to him, “Before the rooster crows, you will deny Me three times.” So Peter went out and wept bitterly.” (Luke 22:61-63) I pray God works the same in your heart. As you are confronted with the law of God as you look at it, recognize and own that what you’ve done is a breaking of it. For the law reveals your sin and the guilt of it to you like you’re looking in a mirror. It shows you how betrayal in it’s various and specific forms is a breaking of the 7th, 9th, and 10th Commandments, among others. (Westminster Larger Catechism 139, 145, 148)
- Sorrow for your sin- As you see your sin, may your pride be crushed and selfishness broken. By the grace of God, may He grant you godly sorrow that leads to repentance for the sin you’ve committed against Him first and foremost. See the lasting impact of the sin that David had cast behind him- specifically in how it was fixed in his thoughts and memory. (v. 3) And yet, David was mindful of Nathan’s assurance that upon David’s repentance, his sin would be pardoned. Therefore, may you be driven your knees in godly shame and humility. May you run to Christ, pleading His mercy, crying out like David, “Against You, You only, have I sinned, and done this evil in Your sight—” (v. 4)
- Indeed, sin made David dirty and he wanted to be clean. Guilt made him sick and he wanted to be well. Disobedience made him lonely and he wanted to be reconciled to his covenant Lord. May your sorrow also then be deep regarding the pain, shame, and harm that you brought on the one, or those you betrayed.
- Turn away from your sin and unto Christ- Your sin has made a lasting stain on your heart that none, but Christ, can remove. Like scrubbing a stain out of a garment, this plea for divine washing is a picture of forgiving the iniquity, or the guilt, of your sin. David’s plea for cleansing was also one desiring God to remove his ceremonial uncleanness. Turn from your sin and turn unto Christ, desiring to never return to den of darkness again. Draw near to Him desiring to walk in the fellowship of a right and restored relationship with Him and His people.
- When possible, pursue reconciliation with the one you betrayed- Though pride would like to convince you otherwise, whether it’s your spouse, child, friend, brother or sister at church, etc. it isn’t enough for you to think or say, “If that person is offended by what I did, then I’m just going to wait for them to come to me per Matthew 18.” No, as one who has been cut to the heart and repented of your sin to God, you need to go to your brother or sister in love, with a contrite heart, repent of your sin against them, and seek their forgiveness, according to Matthew 5:23-24, among other passages.
- Walk the path with patience and understanding- As the sin you committed causes much damage and trust was broken in your relationship, even after you’ve been forgiven, you can’t rightly expect things to be “fine” or “all better” overnight. That trust needs to be rebuilt. Though reconciled, the relationship needs to be restored. That can take some time. You need to walk and pray, knowing that even the uncomfortable aspects of the relationship in the time of restoration is very well being used to build godly character and patience in you and the one you hurt. Your focus and dependence on Christ and the work of His Spirit for such restoration to make progress and be done well to the glory of God.
Husbands and wives, brothers and sisters in the church, this is good for you to meditate on and apply to your lives as betrayal happens all too often and in many ways hurts the most when it damages and tears marriages and other relationships within the body of Christ apart. Draw near to Jesus, my friends. Take your pain to him. Take your strained or broken relationships to Him. Seek and find comfort and solace in Him. May God grant you all much grace and wisdom in navigating the paths of reconciliation and restoration that He walks with you on.