“Now Jesus knew that they desired to ask Him, and He said to them, “Are you inquiring among yourselves about what I said, ‘A little while, and you will not see Me; and again a little while, and you will see Me’? Most assuredly, I say to you that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; and you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned into joy. A woman, when she is in labor, has sorrow because her hour has come; but as soon as she has given birth to the child, she no longer remembers the anguish, for joy that a human being has been born into the world. Therefore, you now have sorrow; but I will see you again and your heart will rejoice, and your joy no one will take from you.” – John 16:19-22
When sorrow and pain press into your heart and mind, it can often become a lot to bear, and too much to bear alone as it swirls and builds, rises and falls. Praise God for your Lord Jesus Christ, who in His love and compassion towards you, comes to you with sympathy in your sorrow. His indwelling Spirit knows your grief, anger, discouragement, and depression. He comes to you in affliction and suffering and reminds you of His presence that He promises will restore your joy in the midst of the tossing waves. As much as you are blessed by His presence, He also calls you to seek Him in prayer. (Heb. 4:16) He calls you to lean on and find your rest and refuge in Him. Praise God that Jesus delights to deliver you! (Psa. 18:19). He is faithful to carry and bear you up through the pain. (Psa. 68)
Praise God that He is also often pleased to use brothers and sisters in Christ to come alongside of you as well as instruments of His grace. (2 Cor. 1:3-4, Rom. 12:15) Who can you think of who God has used in your life to heal your hurts, minister in your mess, and lead you to Christ? Who has He used to help bring the salve of His presence and work to your pain? Thinking about this, it’s good to be mindful of how you respond to pain. Depending on what kind it is, you may be reluctant, but willing to press through the discomfort of the pain. You may also pull back from others, wanting to avoid and not deal with it altogether.
It’s good to keep in mind that this response to pain can also be true in those who have a desire to help you. Maybe the pain is familiar to them by knowledge and/or experience. They are willing to walk through the mess with you, knowing a good path to navigate. Or they may see your pain and withdraw because it hits too close to home. If they tried to help, you both may find yourselves in a pit of despair. Maybe the pain is too deep, and they don’t know what to say or do that could really be of help, so they choose to say little to nothing. Once again, you can add scenarios to the list.
This being true, to those who are pursuing the hurting, consider the following as you desire to be present with someone in pain:
- Presence is important- As Christ may use you as an instrument of grace, it’s good for you to engage, even if you don’t know what to say exactly. Yes, this can and will look different between men and women, and even depend on the person, but be there with them in person or by phone. Don’t assume they will reject your pursuit. Even text messages can comfort if they’re not in a good place to talk. Bless the hurting by simply being there for them, even if you spend time with them without saying a word. Though you may sometimes feel anxious if there is too much silence, feeling pressured to say something, never forget that silence isn’t only golden in the movie theater. Your silent presence can often be good and therapeutic in the midst of deep grief and pain.
- Listen and learn- Listen with a discerning ear. Don’t be the fool who “has no delight in understanding, but in expressing his own heart.” (Prov. 18:2) Don’t be one who “…answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” (Prov. 18:13) Rather, be “swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath”. (Jam. 1:19) There is both a God given importance and art to listening. Remember how Jesus modeled this so well with the Samaritan woman in John 4. He listened, responded, and considered her every word with great care. He shepherded her to the one thing that truly mattered- worshiping Him. This being said, when they speak to you, listen attentively and with care. Don’t be impulsive. Don’t interrupt with correction or counsel. Listen to what comes out of their mouth, watch their actions, as their heart speaks and reveals to you what’s within. What you hear and see can help you gain insight into the context and root of the pain. That insight can help you more effectively encourage and guide them as you better understand its depth and breadth.
- Wise words and calm spirit- If you need to respond, prayerfully practice Solomon’s wisdom in Proverbs 17:27 as you open your mouth. “He who has knowledge spares his words, and a man of understanding is of a calm spirit.” Think about it- it’s better to spare your words, than for them to be poorly spent. It’s better to spare your words, than for them to hurt more than help. For example, if the person in pain is agitated and you get ramped up with them, that’s a recipe for an escalating disaster, rather than a helpful ministry to their need. (Prov. 15:1) Some good tips for you include staying away from saying things that accept any sin, while acknowledging the pain can be good. Words of sympathy or empathy can be good for them too. Instead of leading with the “You just need to…”, try saying something like, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.”, “I totally get what you’re going through.” (if that’s true), “I’m here to walk with you through this.”, etc. You being calm with a warm heart is a beneficial combination in the midst of their storm. If you find that you can’t handle or don’t know how to relieve the pain, seek the help of another, like your pastor or elders, who can.
- Hard words with the same spirit- When the timing is right, wise, hard words may be needed for a variety of reasons, including if the pain experienced is due to their own sin (2 Sam. 12:7) or the pain is being nursed and falling into bitterness or resentment, etc. It’s important in those situations that you seek to be faithful in lovingly stand in front of their train, seeking to turn them away from the edge of the cliff and bring them to humility.
- Patient encouragement and support- Pain doesn’t disappear overnight because wounds don’t heal overnight. Especially if someone is grieving loss of various kinds (i.e. death, or what once was), it’s helpful for you to walk patiently with them through the ups and downs of the grief with love and compassion. They need you to listen with gentle encouragement along the way as you lift them before the throne of grace, as you point them to Christ so that they would find peace and rest in and from Him.
Beloved, in all of this, being present with people in pain can be both a blessing and a challenge. There will be times of mutual weeping and rejoicing. But it’s worth it all as you share the love and compassion of Christ with those you love. It’s worth it all as you desire your presence to be an instrument of grace that points them to His presence.
I’ll leave you with the words of Dr. R.C. Sproul who said it well in his lesson entitled Rejoicing in God in the Arena of Pain– “…our God never promised any of us that we would never go into the valley of the shadow of death. What He did promise us was that He would go with us. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for Thou art with me. Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.” We have the Good Shepherd. We have His presence. We have His consolation. That doesn’t mean we’re removed from the arena of pain, but that we are upheld in the arena of pain.”
Praise God for this truth! May we all seek to be of good help to those who hurt!