“Moreover if your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault between you and him alone. If he hears you, you have gained your brother. But if he will not hear, take with you one or two more, that ‘by the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established.’ And if he refuses to hear them, tell it to the church. But if he refuses even to hear the church, let him be to you like a heathen and a tax collector.” – Matthew 18:15-17
As one does well in being prayerful in their private pursuit of a brother or sister who has sinned against them, they also do well in being persistent and persevering in their pursuit. What do I mean by this? A good place to start is that you don’t just look at the path of reconciliation with them as one and done. You don’t go into your Step 1 meeting with them thinking, “I’m just going to go once and be done. Then I can say I tried, and nobody can say I didn’t.” Sadly, if those are the internal thoughts and mindset, pride and/or fear are still alive and well in the heart. The fruit will likely bear accordingly in the outcome of the conversation. From a place of pain, you may feel justified in a half-hearted attempt, but the offense remains sincerely unaddressed, and the matter remains unresolved and festering. Again, when self is off the throne, and pride/fear are dealt with, out of true love towards the sinning brother or sister, the humble heart that is mindful of its own struggles and falls desires to obey your Savior and pursue real reconciliation and peace.
Therefore, even though it may be uncomfortable, the offended is willing to go. If the offending brother hears you, meaning he repents, never forget that you are called to forgive him. (Matthew 18:21-22) Praise the Lord that you’ve gained your brother, by His grace! Having forgiven him, you need to treat the offense as it never occurred.
But what if your brother or sister doesn’t hear you? Sometimes it can be due to a hardness of heart, seen in their flat-out refusal to listen to a private rebuke. They may deny their guilt. They may deliberately continue in sin or try to cover up what they’ve done. Thinking about this, never forget that unrepentant sin is a deadly spiritual cancer. (2 Timothy 2:17) It cannot be allowed to fester and corrupt the Body of Christ. So, what should you do? As Jesus teaches you in verse 16, you don’t need to walk away and let the offense remain, and division between you grow. Rather, you need to persist in your pursuit. This is love in action towards them! What does such pursuit look like? It moves on to Step 2. You go back to your brother or sister, asking to meet again, this time in the presence of a witness(es).
Here are a few tips regarding taking a witness and the witness you should take:
- Remember what is and isn’t true about the purpose of the witness. 1) The witness isn’t there so that you can spike the ball, so to speak, on the offender and the witness being there to testify on your strength of your spike. “Yeah, I saw it all. He really put him in his place.” The witness isn’t there to gang up with the offended against the offender either. 2) The witness is there so that the matter conforms to the principles of God’s justice found in Deuteronomy 19:15 “One witness shall not rise against a man concerning any iniquity or any sin that he commits; by the mouth of two or three witnesses the matter shall be established.” They are there to give greater weight to the admonition, even if just by their presence. The witness is also there to protect the offender and the offended from false accusations, particularly if the matter needs to be taken to the court of the church. So, as much as people shy away from this step because they don’t want to get others involved, I hope you can see that Jesus guides you in this way as it’s good for all involved, when necessary.
- Care needs to be taken in witness selection. 1) Don’t take a proud man or woman with you as a witness. Don’t take a person who is going to revel at the details of the sin. Don’t take a person who would have interest in smearing your brother or sister’s reputation. 2) Take those who understand their purpose and role in the meeting. Take those who have their own hearts in check and will be humble, kind, and gentle towards the brother or sister. Take those who are committed to keeping the matter private and not discuss it with others, unless it’s necessary before the court of the church.
- A word to witnesses. If you’re asked to be a witness in the path of private reconciliation, 1) it’s good and right to not walk into such a role without much prayer and humility. 2) Pray for both the offended and offender, that the Spirit would be at work in the offender to bring them to repentance, along with their relationship together. 3) Pray that God would guard your mind and heart, along with your relationships with the offended and offender as you attend the meeting. Pray for compassion and grace. For it may be true that as you become privy to the details of the sin committed and watch the two parties try again to work things out, you will hear and see things that may tempt you to have a changed opinion, or take a negative opinion towards one or both of them. 4) Be attentive and engaged in the meeting so that you can, Lord willing, be of good help and have good memory of what was said and what transpired. 5) Remember that if the offender remains unrepentant, it could take some time for the court of the church to hear the matter. Do what would be helpful to keep yourself refreshed on the details of the meeting, while still keeping the matter private.
As Christ teaches you this process in the context of the rest of His lessons and discourse in Matthew 18, it’s important for sheep and shepherds alike to study it, know it, and follow it rightly when the need arises. Shepherds need to be mindful of following Matthew 18 in its fullness, if necessary, when offenses arise between them and other shepherds, let alone with sheep in the flock. It must never be thought of as right for shepherds to teach their flock to follow Matthew 18 in obedience to Christ, but they really don’t have to. Maybe they know they need to, but don’t. Considering this, may faithful shepherds in Christ’s church everywhere be diligent to practice what we preach and teach. May we lead by example in reconciliation, along with nurturing the rest of the flock through biblical instruction and discipline.
Take good courage with compassion and humility as you persist and persevere in pursuit, Beloved. Christ calls you to do this for your good, the good of your brother, the good of His church, and for His glory. Therefore, do it with your whole heart out of love for Him and His people!