“Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.” – Ephesians 4:29
Communication can make or break relationships. Marriages are no exception. In fact, communication break down in a marriage can set heightened and progressive stress and strain in the relationship ablaze. Like all churches, the Ephesian church had its share of communication struggles that the Apostle Paul worked, by the grace of God, to correct and reshape as the Spirit was at work maturing and molding them into the beautiful body that Jesus made and called them to be. Our focus text in Eph. 4 follows and is connected to the important context of vv. 20-24: “But you have not so learned Christ, if indeed you have heard Him and have been taught by Him, as the truth is in Jesus: that you put off, concerning your former conduct, the old man which grows corrupt according to the deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your mind, and that you put on the new man which was created according to God, in true righteousness and holiness.” [emphasis added]
An important part of “new man” living involves the words that come out of our mouths. We need to be reminded of this daily. Communication (both verbal and nonverbal) affects all relationships in our lives. Therefore, one who has been taught by and has learned Christ must never forget two foundational truths: 1) From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks (Luke 6:45), and in light of our sinful hearts, 2) corrupt words, or literally rotten, putrid words can, and all too often, do come out of our mouths from the corruptions in our hearts. Not only do such words reveal our corrupted hearts, but they can also corrupt the mind and heart of the hearer. For these reasons and more, restraint and self-control must be active to close our lips and stop them. Such loose lipped communication is displeasing to God, and only harms our spouse, ourselves, as well as others who hear us. Knowing this, we must go to the Lord, like David did, beseeching Him to “Set a guard, O Lord, over my mouth; Keep watch over the door of my lips.” [emphasis added] (Psalm 141:3)
Remember James’ instruction about the unruly, deadly, poisonous tongue. “Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so. Does a spring send forth fresh water and bitter from the same opening? Can a fig tree, my brethren, bear olives, or a grapevine bear figs? Thus no spring yields both salt water and fresh.”[emphasis added] (James 3:10-12) Indeed, all divided mouth, forked tongue talking has to stop and be repented of!
As children of God who are being transformed by the renewing of our minds, we must have words that are singularly good for necessary edification, or lit. building up for spiritual advancement. This is critical for husbands and wives! We must make sure we are building each other up, not tearing each other down. Such words can, and should, include constructive criticism, along with godly instruction. Two good questions to ask yourself are- “In this conversation, what things or areas need to be built up in the person I’m talking to? How are my interaction and words going to, Lord willing, bring that good fruit about?” Among other things, healthy, biblical communication involves both listening and speaking the truth in love. Really, active listening is a good place to start in relational communication restoration and maintenance. What does Scripture say biblical listening looks like?
- “So then, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; For the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” [emphasis added] (James 1:19-20) It’s the one who listens intently to the Word of God who progresses in godliness.
- “He who answers a matter before he hears it, it is folly and shame to him.” [emphasis added] (Proverbs 18:13) The fool blurts out answers to matters that they haven’t taken time to hear carefully. Listening before speaking is essential to healthy communication.
- “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but he who heeds counsel is wise.”[emphasis added] (Proverbs 12:15) The fool thinks he knows better, but really doesn’t. The wise is humble enough to learn from the experience of others, prayerfully discerns what is good counsel, and follows it.
- “My son, if you receive my words, and treasure my commands within you, so that you incline your ear to wisdom, and apply your heart to understanding;” [emphasis added](Proverbs 2:1-2) We must be intentional in causing ourselves to pay attention. We must direct our minds, emotions, and will to be constrained by, guided by, and see the great value of the wisdom of the Word.
After we listen well, how then should we speak?
- “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise uses knowledge rightly, but the mouth of fools pours forth foolishness.” [emphasis added](Prov. 15:1-2) Words are powerful to build up or destroy relationships. Therefore, make sure the right words are in your answer so that what should be turned away isn’t stirred up.
- “A wholesome tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit.” [emphasis added] (Prov. 15:4) This “wholesome” tongue is literally referring to a “healing tongue.” Indeed, a conciliatory tongue mends relationships.
- “Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned with salt, that you may know how you ought to answer each one.” [emphasis added] (Col. 4:6) It’s necessary that Christians live and speak in a way that is glorifying to God, especially with those on the outside.
- “There is one who speaks like the piercings of a sword, but the tongue of the wise promotes health. The truthful lip shall be established forever, but a lying tongue is but for a moment.” [emphasis added] (Prov. 12:18-19) See the effect of words on relationships. There is great strength in the truth, whereas lies are weak, fleeting, and damaging.
- “but, speaking the truth in love, may grow up in all things into Him who is the head—Christ – “ [emphasis added] (Eph. 4:15) Love must control what we say! If love is what is driving us to speak to others, we’ll be concerned about how we speak to them. We’ll watch our words, as well as the attitudes, motives, and tones with which we speak them. We will strive not to give offense by the way we speak the truth. As you go about speaking truth in love, keep in mind it’s purpose- it’s a means for growth.
- “The heart of the wise teaches his mouth, and adds learning to his lips. Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” [emphasis added] (Prov. 16:23-24) The wise speak out of a mind informed by the truth. Pleasant words have great value in healing relationships. They should be used often.
Beloved, I’ll leave you with three things:
1) See the importance of restored and repaired communication in biblical reconciliation of your marriage and other relationships. Don’t give up on working through communication fractures.
2) Be committed to growing in opening your ears and closing your mouth. When you’re ready and it’s necessary to open your lips, from a heart of love, prayerfully seek God’s grace to speak what is godly and wise, building up your spouse, building up others you speak with rather than spewing poison upon them, tearing them down.
3) Be committed to being patient with progress. As communication didn’t break down over night, neither will it be repaired over night. There will be ups and downs, as old habits and our choice of words often die hard. Nonetheless, patiently and persistently walk and talk together to the glory of God.