“Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing to the Lord. Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” – Colossians 3:20-21
Whether it’s a new father and mother, after the birth of their first child, or seasoned parents after the birth of their next child, Christian parents begin the journey with their young one(s) focused on the biblical-parenting path, so to speak, with excitement, good intentions, a loving heart, good examples to follow, and a desire to, for it all to be healthy according to how God designs and commands it to be in Scripture. Yet, somewhere along the way, sin in the hearts of these sinners in relationship starts to take root and the bear fruit of resistance, tension, rebellion, and increasing relational distance in and between the parents and their beloved child or children. If you’re a parent who has encountered any such challenges, you can tell a detailed story of your own experience along these lines, can’t you?
Some strained encounters may have a clear origin and background as to when, where, and how they got started. Many others often leave parents asking the question, “What happened? How in the world did we get here?”, followed by, “What needs to be done to correct and heal the damaged or broken relationship?”
Here are a few thoughts regarding the answers to the what happened and how they got there questions:
• Of course, we know that all answers go back to sin and the affects of sin in the heart that then play out in life and relationship. On the one hand, an answer can stem primarily from sin in your child. Though the heart and practice of the parents may have been pretty consistently and biblically healthy, sin in the heart of the child, maybe poor influence, pressure, counsel, or examples from friends and peers, as well, fed and nurtured disobedience and rebellion.
• On the other hand, though intentions be godly, we can find ourselves carrying on ungodly parenting habits we experienced with our parents, or developing new ones of our own in response to various situations and kinds of bad attitudes in our children, disobedience, their conflict with siblings, anger, pride, power struggles, etc. or even open conflict with your spouse, that then played a part in lighting a fire that explains the answer to those “what” and “how” questions.
• Or a combination of the above.
• The Westminster divines help us with a summary understanding of sins that parents commit against their children in Q. 130 of the Larger Catechism – “…besides the neglect of the duties required of them, an inordinate seeking of themselves, their own glory, ease, profit, or pleasure; commanding things unlawful, or not in the power of inferiors to perform; counseling, encouraging, or favoring them in that which is evil; dissuading, discouraging, or discountenancing them in that which is good; correcting them unduly; careless exposing, or leaving them to wrong, temptation, and danger; provoking them to wrath; or any way dishonoring themselves, or lessening their authority, by an unjust, indiscreet, rigorous, or remiss behavior.”
Keep in mind is that sometimes disobedience in your children may be fueled by their struggle with angry, depressed, or anxious thoughts or feelings stemming from their difficulty to be able to process or handle conflict between you and your spouse, or other members of the family. It’s also true, that young children tend to act out more when they are stressed, confused, or worried as they can’t communicate well in other ways yet.
Considering these things, what are you as a parent to do? How do you turn the tide? How do you right the ship? You may have heard that “it takes two to tango” to keep a conflict burning. That’s often true. However, as Christian parents, we need to first humble ourselves before the Lord, asking Him to search and guide us, to grant us repentance where needed, along with discernment and wisdom. Then, prayerfully seek God’s grace and work in you to receive and apply the needed salve and correction, as well as apply what is needed to others.
As the Scripture passages regarding communication that I shared with you last week are both instructive and restorative, meaning they teach you what to continue doing when things are “healthy.” They also restore health to wounds by following that same instruction, the same is true of other passages of Scripture regarding parenting. We find this to be true in many passages, including the Apostle Paul’s in our text in Colossians 3 above.
What is Paul’s call? He calls both children and fathers to carry out their duties in the 5th Commandment, and notice, for specific reasons. Children, complete obedience to your parents is pleasing to the Lord. Therefore, give it to them immediately and wholeheartedly. Fathers, you must refrain from provoking your children because you do not want to discourage them.
What are some things you can do to restore and maintain healthy, godly parenting? One of the main focuses should be on training. Here’s are some key areas to grow in and keep in practice:
• Love, pray for, and bless your children. Teach, counsel, and admonish them. Commend and reward when they do well, and chasten them when they sin. Protect and provide for them in everything they need for soul and body. (Westminster Larger Catechism 129)
• Practically, see the essential piece of godly training in child rearing. Children need to be taught. Don’t think that your child can figure it out and do well on their own. Train them in the way they should go (Prov. 22:6) from their youngest years, not in the way they would go. For foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child (Prov. 22:15). They will take the path of Madam Folly to your shame, if left to themselves (Prov. 29:15).
• Do you feel like you’ve messed up or missed the opportunity to train your child? You’re not alone. We’ve all erred and have not shepherded our kids as we ought. I encourage you to not dwell in sorrow, but turn to Christ and praise Him for His good providence to you, even as you consider your short comings and sin. Praise God for His grace in you and your children, His grace to you in lessons learned, victories gained, as well as those lessons and occasions for praise to come. In the midst of struggle and conflict, pray for God’s grace in and between you and your children every day. Step by step biblical teaching and conversation, even in family worship, can be helpful in restoring a training path through the valley. Even for older kids who are off and away- Pray for them daily. If possible, work to have ongoing conversations with them about Christ, doctrine, and life. Encourage them from a distance or face to face.
• Shepherd their hearts like Christ shepherds you. Shepherd their hearts in the details of doctrine and life. From a heart of love (even tough love when needed), kindness, patience, and all the other fruits of the Spirit, train them in the nurture and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4). Grow them in the knowledge and grace of Christ (2 Pet.2:18). Encourage them, have fun with them, and comfort them often. If there are ways in which you’ve sinned against your children in how you’ve spoken or acted towards them, be prompt to repent and seek their forgiveness. Teach them to do the same with you. This will help restore and build your relationship, as well as be a practice to maintain.
What do your children need to know about how they should live today? Take to time to teach and model for them what biblical honor and obedience is as they must honor and obey you, and then expect it of them. Patiently show them when they go astray and how to return to the paths of righteousness. Teach them the fruit of the Spirit, how to practice them all, especially self control. Teach them how to and shepherd them in sobriety and watchfulness (1 Peter 5:8-9). Teach them how to guard their heart and spot check their guard regularly, considering the lures and wickedness of our day. Train them how to fight the good fight and press forward for Christ. Fuel a zeal for Christ and His service, model such to them in your own life, and then encourage them in serving the church, as well as their service and witness to others.
This is far from an exhaustive devotion, Beloved. There are many other things that can be said on the matter. I hope these are good and helpful to you as you think about, examine, and seek to build, restore, and maintain areas of godly parenting in your life. To God be the glory!