“And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you.” – Ephesians 4:30-32
Better understanding and rooting out resentment helps you move towards recovery. Though the desire of the road to recovery from resentment is that it would be quick and easy, it’s often longer and harder than one might expect. Even with sincere desire to do so, pain is often hard to process and release. There are sensitive spots right on the surface, as well as some in layers underneath. Therefore, it requires much grace, patience, endurance, and care by all parties involved. This being said, it’s easy to think that the one bearing the resentment has the majority of the work to do. It’s easy to think that they have the majority, if not all, of the healing to work through so that they can forgive, truly put bitterness and resentment away, and see the fruit of grace in kindness, tenderheartedness, love, and compassion be restored and flourish again in reconciled relationships. And yet, there’s work to be done with all involved. Those who the resentment is towards have important roles in the road to recovery for the resentful, as well.
Of the many starting scenarios that can exist, consider these general examples for a moment, along with the principles that help with recovery:
- The person who is resentful was offended, resentment grew and persists, and the offenses were from actual sin committed against them.
- The person who is resentful was offended, resentment flourished, but when they think through and examine the details of the truth of the matter, the offenses were based on assumption or perception, and no actual sin was committed.
Both scenarios involve some kind of experience of offense. They both involve pain and relational strain for all parties. The offended may have withdrawn, lashed out, or both. The same may be true of the offender(s) in in reaction or response. Now the offended and the offenders are at odds with and divided from each other. It also may be true that all see themselves as offended and desire the other person(s) to approach them, repent, be forgiven and work towards rebuilding trust and restore the relationship.
Considering this, it’s helpful to remember that Matthew 5 and Matthew 18 are connected and work together in reconciliation. Take note of Jesus’ call in Matthew 5:23-24 for the one who comes to Worship and remembers his brother has something against him to leave his offering at the altar and first go be reconciled with his brother. Couple this with Jesus’ instruction in Matthew 18:15, for the offended to go to a sinning brother and tell him his fault between you and him alone, and you can see how the path for the resentful and those whose offense their harboring bring each other to end the division, come together to talk, seeking to work things out. To be clear, this first step tends to be so hard because humility comes to challenge pride and self protection, and open the path of healing pain that has been nursed. And yet, this is so good as you do so in obedience to and for the glory of God!
So, the two (or more) of you come together. What’s next? Here are 6 practical steps and principles.
- Prayer and Preparation- Spend time in prayer and Bible reading before the meeting. Pray for the Lord’s grace, work, and blessing in your heart and mind, along with all other parties. If you’re honest, the latter can be difficult to do with sincerity. Yet, this is so important as strain in your love for your neighbor points to strain and difficulty in your love of God. Never forget that your love for others is an extension of your love for God. Therefore, you need to be focused on having time with your Savior, seeking His face for His grace in your relationship with Him, as well as grace in preparation, during, and after the meeting. Like David in Psalm 139:23-24, petitioning God “Search me, O God, and know my heart; Try me, and know my anxieties; And see if there is any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” is part of healthy preparation.
- Rules and Boundaries- It’s good to lay some ground rules and boundaries for the conversation as it’s easy to continue in the same communication habits that have stoked the fire and kept the relationship strained. It may also be good and helpful for your meeting to be mediated by your pastor, elders, or a trusted friend. It also may be helpful for that mediator to help establish the rules so that conflict doesn’t spark over that as well.
- Active Listening- Both parties need to be intentional in listening well during the meeting. In many occasions, the offended just wants to be heard. The same can be true of the offender. This is good for both. However, as you go into the meeting with a focus on being heard, are you also ready to hear? The Apostle James’ instruction in James 1:19-20 is very helpful here- “…be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath; for the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Even if you’re thinking, “Pastor, I listen very well. He/She is the one who doesn’t listen.”, don’t let pride continue to hold the wall up between you. Both parties need to lower their shields, put down their daggers, and reset their spiritual ears by being intentional in listening afresh with love and patience. Both parties need to truly hear and receive what the other person is saying. This needs to be true even you don’t agree with the grounds they give, or how they say it. Prayerfully work to remain calm with ears open as the other person say things that tempt you to get tense and irritated. Keep this in mind- It’s good to hear and accept where each other is at, even if where they’re at is disappointing and frustrating.
I write this knowing this is easier said than done, especially since emotions have been connected to words and pain in the past. You may be thinking, “Pastor, I can’t just flip a switch and the pain goes away, my reactions disappear, and we can just talk great together now.” I totally get it, but as Paul teaches you in our focus text, when love fueled humility is active within and between, when you remember the sinner that you are more than filling your mind with thoughts about what a sinner they are, when you are more mindful of the love and grace of Christ that He poured out upon you in your salvation and forgiving your sins, this helps you start down the path with pause, more patience, and in time, compassion. As you may well be aware, there may need to be multiple meetings to listen, talk, and make progress. Even so, active listening, and the fruit it bears, is an important place to start being in the practice of in the midst of discomfort and pain. - Heart of Persevering Humility- There’s good reason why Jesus under girds the approach to and path of reconciliation in Matthew 5 and 18 with the great need for humility. For the Spirit blesses the humble, lifting you up. Humility takes an ax to the bad, pride-filled thoughts, words, and habits that bring division as courageous steps are taken to repair what is damaged and broken. Humility also is a piece of what He uses as a salve to help heal the heart. If you’re thinking, “Pastor, I was humble in one conversation or meeting. I’m done. I’ve done my part.” or “Pastor, I was humble when we talked and they walked all over me, again.”, pride, fear, and anger can douse your humility and send you back to resentment. Therefore, you must stayed focused on persevering in humility through thick and thin as it takes and keeps self out of the way. As it perseveres in the midst of and through pain, it restores a faith-filled, loving, and thankful focus on Christ. A restored focus on the love of Christ, and growth in your love for Him then moves you to restored desire to love your neighbor as yourself. (Matthew 22)
- Forgiveness- Offender, one of your important roles is to listen well to the offended, seeking to receive their words with grace. As you do so, it’s good and right to confess and repent of any sin that the offended raises and the Spirit convicts you about. This is also a soothing salve. It’s key in healing resentment. Know that it’s also right for the offender to not repent of things that aren’t truly sin. It’s likewise good for the offended to think through and come to agreement on such instances, especially when the offense was based on assumptions or perceptions and not actual sin committed against them. When repentance is present, it’s right for the offended to forgive, consider the matter resolved, and walk forward with peace. It’s also right for the offended to examine their hearts, repent of anything appropriate on their end so that the offender can forgive them.
- Continuing Meetings and Interaction- Though good, healing conversations and meetings occur, it may and usually does take time for sustained new habits in healthy thoughts, communication, and actions to be the norm. Therefore, as is true in general, much prayer, study, grace, and support need to be a priority in the relationship, recognizing deeper layers may be discovered, fresh pain may arise, but healing in the relationship that has already occurred needs to meet those encounters when they come.
What if your resentment involves people who have passed away, aren’t safe due to abuse, or aren’t otherwise available to seek reconciliation with? As bitterness and resentment are sins and poison you, you need to go and stay before the Lord in prayer often. You need to seek His grace and forgiveness for harboring hurt in sin. You need to seek His grace to forgive those who offended you as you’ve been forgiven. (Matthew 6:12) You need to seek His grace to address and heal the pain behind the resentment, that you would grow in sanctification, and be restored.
I pray this is helpful food for thought and your walk in godliness. If it is, use it as a resource and pass it along to anyone else you know on the road to resentment recovery.