“You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.” Leviticus 19:18
“The Lord is merciful and gracious, slow to anger, and abounding in mercy. He will not always strive with us, nor will He keep His anger forever.” Psalm 103:8-9
“Therefore, as the elect of God, holy and beloved, put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.” Colossians 3:12-13
There are many battles in the Christian life that are waged under the surface in the fertile soil of the heart. Those battles often involve what’s brewing therein. As you go through your days and weeks encountering challenging, disappointing, discouraging, and painful things with various people it’s all too easy to become too used to, or comfortable with anger. It’s allowed to simmer instead of dealing promptly with any sinful aspects of it, not letting the sun go down on your wrath. (Ephesians 4:26) It’s true that such anger can often simmer below your radar. Sometimes you don’t realize it’s there. It’s also all too easy to allow it to take root through harbored sin in your heart, or unresolved, unforgiven pain and conflict, which then bears the fruit of bitterness and resentment.
I wrote about The Battle with Bitterness this past Spring. As I resume my devotional writing this week, I thought I would pick up where I left off and bring the salve of Christ and His Word that exposes and provides the remedy for resentment.
Men and women, young and old, I pray you have eyes to see the sinfulness of bitterness and resentment, along with the great importance of humbly examining your own heart, and then dealing with any bitterness or resentment the Lord brings to your awareness. I pray such awareness leads you to godly sorrow and repentance, so that it is dealt with in a godly way so that it no longer festers within, displeases God, and divides, or further isolates you from others. Don’t be fooled, bitterness and resentment are gnarly sins that can take your mind and heart spinning in a whirlwind of feelings and assumptions that color your view of relational reality in a way that convinces you it would be better to withdraw, rather than draw near and pursue the path of reconciliation.
What is bitterness? What is resentment? Are they synonymous words? Though the two are connected, they are also distinct. Whereas bitterness is more of a general sour and harsh disposition that becomes settled in one’s spirit when grace is kept at bay and anger is nursed, resentment is a targeted anger towards God, a person, people, or an event that stirs and hangs onto the view of being wronged, insulted, or injured. For example, one can sin against God by harboring resentment regarding His providence in their life. A husband or wife can harbor resentment over something that their spouse did or didn’t do over time, or a one time event not being resolved and reconciled over time. A child may fall in resenting his parents because he believes he is treated unfairly. Many more examples can be added to the list.
Understanding the truth that there are tons of nuanced details in the specific causes for resentment that are effected by who it involved and what happened, here are some biblical steps that can help you with any scenario.
To begin with, it’s important for you to recognize its presence in your heart. It’s often much easier for you to see it in the lives of others, but not your own. (Matthew 7:3-5) You may struggle with unresolved anger and its fruit in your relationship with God or other people and yet deny that bitterness and resentment have taken root. No doubt, if it’s present, it’s hard to accept, let alone challenging to deal with and recover from. Anger and/or shame may cloud your sight, or make a defense to justify it presence. And yet, if you wrestle with resentment, do you have insight to know what is fueling it? Are you committed to root it out? It’s good and right for you to take time and prayerfully think about this. If your sight is clouded, or you’re cautious to take godly action, seek counsel to identity what is at the root in you, as well as have support and guidance to effectively deal with it.
Scripture gives you wonderful instruction to help you in your navigation in health and obedience. Consider God’s command in Leviticus 19:18 regarding what He forbids in taking vengeance and bearing a grudge, along with the duty of love that He calls His people to. “You shall not take vengeance, nor bear any grudge against the children of your people, but you shall love your neighbor as yourself: I am the Lord.” Know that the Hebrew verb for “nor bear any grudge” literally describes the act of keeping or holding on to something. It figuratively describes retaining anger, a grudge, and therefore presses the sin of clinging to resentment to you.
Why must you never cling to or bear a grudge? It breaks God’s law to love Him wholeheartedly and love your neighbor as yourself. With this clarity in mind, it’s good to learn from and follow the remedy your Lord provides to help you and others get out of the pit and rut of resentment. A good place to start is having a sanctified and refreshed view of who your covenant God is and what He calls you to do in light of who He is and your relationship with Him. It’s also good to grow in understanding the work of His grace to bind your wounds, heal your relationships, and grow you by the work of the Holy Spirit.
Again, in Leviticus 19:18, see how God grounds interpersonal forgiveness in His covenant name: “I am the Lord.” As Israel was to mirror God’s divine character by refusing to harbor resentment, the same is true for you. Know that this verse becomes the foundation for Jesus’ “second great commandment”. (Matthew 22:39) Further, God gives you a great example of righteous anger followed by love fueled grace, mercy, and patience to His people in Psalm 103:8-9. Couple this then with the Apostle Paul’s instruction for you to “put on” attributes God gives you as His holy and beloved children in Colossians 3:12-13 and the path of reconciliation Jesus calls you to follow in Matthew 18. As you meditate on these things together, you find humility, love, patience, and forgiveness being in focus in your path forward.
Do you have resentment towards God? If you are resentful towards God for His providence, for pain in the past, for loss, hardship, or suffering in your life, it’s good and right for you to stop nursing the anger. Rather than withdrawing from your Lord, or shaking your fist at Him in your heart, seek His face in your pain with honest petitions. Draw near to Him in prayerful study of His Word, seeking the Spirit’s illumination and grace to grow your knowledge and understanding of who God is. He is holy. He is perfect and true. He truly has done nothing wrong to you or your family. His perfect love and goodness are towards you in Christ in all that He has ordained to come to pass (Romans 8:28). The truth is that you have no just cause ever to be angry with God. Therefore, come before Him in humility (1 Peter 5:6-7), seeking His mercy and forgiveness for your unrighteous anger against Him. Seek His grace to heal your pain, and restore the peace and joy that you have in Jesus. He will forgive you and lift you up.
What about anger you’re harboring towards others? You may be thinking, “Pastor, it’s so hard to turn from and let go of what I see as wrongs and sins committed against me. It hurts so much. Thinking about it, or even talking to them, puts me on the defensive and sends me through the roof!” I hear you and understand the struggle, but hear your God and meditate on Paul’s words in Colossians 3. Humility once again undergirds the path of repentance, release, and reconciliation. What does God call you to? Forgive, as you’ve been forgiven. “…put on tender mercies, kindness, humility, meekness, longsuffering; bearing with one another, and forgiving one another, if anyone has a complaint against another; even as Christ forgave you, so you also must do.”
More on practical steps in resentment reconciliation for both parties in a future edition.